Creativity makes me think a lot about codependency. Or rather, codependency reminds me a lot about creativity. Why do I create? Why does anyone create? In The War of Art by Steven Pressfield he asks, If you were on a deserted island would you still make art? Immediately I knew I would write. If there was no one on the planet to read my work I would still write. Maybe not creative writing, but I would still write in my journal.
That’s been on my mind since I read it. I am a sick codependent. It helped me so much to learn that I still believe, like an infant and toddler, that I will die without another human being taking care of me. Ideally, we should learn as we’re growing up how to care for ourselves. We should understand that we are valuable and that our needs matter. A lot of us don’t learn that. A lot of us learn that we are either burdens, or we have parents that depend on us as if we are there to provide for them.
So as an adult I was constantly looking around for someone to care for me, to do for me what I felt incapable of doing for myself, which was a lot. I wanted others to esteem me, to tell me I’m good. I just wanted constant adoration, approval, and encouragement, which made it really hard to make art, not to mention have healthy relationships.
When I first realized that I was looking for approval of my work I thought the realization was all I needed. I thought it was just a matter of seeing the truth. But when it comes to codependency, I’ve discovered it’s a layered reflex that goes very deep. After a while I found it hard to make art at all without constantly thinking about awards, recognition - anything that would boost my ego and tell me I’m good.
Reading Steven Pressfield’s book has been so good for me. It’s helped me see, not only the kind of artist I want to be, but the kind of person I want to be. Codependency is something we learn, it’s an addictive way of relating to others, but in its simplest terms, it’s acting like a child rather than an independent adult. I want to be a grown up, and in order to do that, I first have to admit that my maturity level is often that of a child.
I want to make art for myself, first. I want this quest I’m on, this path, to be about expressing myself for the sake of expressing myself. Because it matters. Because I matter. I want to share myself. I want to share who I am, how I see things, what I feel and think about the world around me. But I want to share those things from a place of humility. I want to share it with no strings attached. Easier said than done, but that’s it. That’s what I want.
I want to be someone who’s on a deserted island being creative in order to make myself feel whole, in order to bring peace and serenity to my life. I want to use my artwork and my writing to discover things about myself, to evolve. Relationships are important, yes, but the intensity with which I look outside myself for fulfillment can lead to unhappiness and unmanageability. That’s what I’m looking to move beyond.